HERB CANINE
Dog humor in the style of iconic San Francisco journalist Herb Caen

Stopped at a red light one afternoon, I spied three baby Chihuahuas playing with their human in the front yard of a house. I marveled at how rodent like they are at that age, and I wasn’t the only one. Perched as still as a grey gargoyle on a nearby fence, a young tabby gazed at the pups in deep fascination. You could see him weighing the possibilities, as if he were saying to himself: “I’m pretty sure I could catch one of them, but I’m not sure I could eat it all in one sitting. And I know Mom wouldn’t let me keep my leftovers in the fridge with all those halfcans of cat food she still hopes I’ll eat one day.”
Had the tabby made his play, no doubt the shrill barking and threatening snarls of the chihuahuitos would have yipped his little daydream in the bud. He would have known in a flash that he had been lured into the lair of the rats from Hell.

I’m developing a pet theory: Since dogs are such great comedians, it follows that the people who enjoy their antics would have a well developed sense of humor and would therefore be open to a good pun. Indeed, why else would a poop scooping company choose as its slogan: “We’re number one in the number two business!”
Ben Davis, Bay Woof’s distribution god and owner of Sophie, the irrepressible Walker Hound oft featured in this column, recently provided me with the evidence my theory required by pointing out the wordplay rife in the names of Bay Area pet businesses. It seems there is a pun for every temperament in our diverse metropolis. Here are just a few examples.
For those who enjoy Enlightenment poetry, there’s Paradise Hound in Oakland. If you like your literature a bit more Austen-tacious, how about Oakland’s Pride and Pedigree? Love classic movies? Check out Citizen Canine (also Oakland).
If you think your dog could be a star, take him to Sirius Dog Training in Berkeley. Believe in mass transit? Apparently, so does Bark Station Pet Salon in Burlingame. And while you’re there, why not get your mutt a lavish makeover at Groomingdale’s?
Afraid that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong? Try Murphy’s Paw in Pleasanton. If you feel deserving of good luck, on the other hand, there’s always Pawsitive Karma in Emeryville. If your dog is the king of your castle, perhaps Reigning Cats and Dogs in San Francisco will be to your liking.
In fact, there are canine companies for every mood in SF: Current political doublespeak sounding a bit Orwellian? Then Animal Farm is for you. Believe in liberty and fraternity? Try Animal House. You can even walk your cat named Dog to Bow Wow Meow.
If you’re in San Ramon and think cleanliness is next to dogliness, go to Shampooches. If you won’t take no for an answer, they’ll understand at Pugnacious in North Berkeley.
My crazy inkling that dog lovers are punny people has some credulity, no? Now, to paraphrase Woody Allen, if I can just find someone to give me some money, I’m sure I can turn my vague inkling into a full-blown wisp of a notion.

Did you hear that Food Network diva Rachel Ray is coming out with a line of dog food called Nutrish? I can almost hear Anthony Bourdain, the bad boy of TV food personalities, who never misses an opportunity to trash Rachel’s cooking: “Dog food? I think she’s finally found her calling.”
Can a canine version of Ray’s hit show “30- Minute Meals” be far behind? Imagine her perky patter as she shows you how it’s done. “First, carefully unwrap a pound of ground round. Then… uh… well… plop it into your dog’s bowl and… voila!” Okay. Maybe she’ll have to call it “30-Second Meals.”
It’s kinda hard to imagine dogs as gourmands when they seem perfectly happy to scarf down stale kibble. When it comes right down to it, every dog is just a junk food junkie.

Herb Canine is one of writer/musician Tad Toomay’s many alter egos. Get acquainted with the others at www.tadtoomay.com.